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fubar

Feb. 17th, 2013 | 02:52 pm

i need to vent this somewhere.
i am severely disappionted in some of my closest friends over the last year or so. don't get me wrong or misunderstand, i do still have a few close friends that are good people who can be trusted and counted on, and share morals and what not. and it's not like i'm completely innocent, but what the hell is wrong with humanity? i spent the last year regressing and being a bit irresponsible and i was manic and i loved it. i've calmed down from that and i'm looking for balance, but a lot of my elation from that time had to do with some friends that pulled me through a very trying time in my life - they taught me to have faith in humanity again. and now these same people have destroyed it for me. they lie, they cheat, the hurt each other. it's like this weird circle of drama. coming from people i respect(ed). i'm not even gonna explain what happened, it's too long of a story and this is really just for me to figure out what i want to do about the people i hold close.
i've always been the "i'd rather be here for you to have someone you feel you can talk to rather than judge you and make you afraid to approach me when something's wrong." i've concluded that by being this way, i am actually doing these friends a disservice by not telling them the truth. being too easy on them. it's backfired. yes, they come to me, but they don't learn anything, my thought that being able to speak to someone outside of the situation who could give gentle honest, but non-judgemental input would help them work it out in their heads. not so.
i have to confront someone. this is someone who i love deeply, but i disagree with their morality because they are selfish and in a relaionship where they are always looking elsewhere anyway, and they flip flop back and forth between being so in love and happy in their relationship and then being wildly attracted to and fantasizing about others and completely miserable. this person acted on their selfish lustful impulses recently, and it's clear that all they can think about, still, is themselves. where am i gonna live, i'm gonna miss that lifestyle, i'm gonna miss having those mutual friends, blah blah blah. i tried to be a good friend and listen despite this person was in the wrong, but later i spoke with the other half and found out about another incident that happened recently. involving another friend. it enrages me. i'm not supposed to speak of it. but it's how i want to confront this person.
my problem is, i want to respect the person who's been wronged by not mentioning this incident that he wants kept in confidence. but it is a major reason why i am questioning remaining friends with this person. ahg.
how do i tell someone i'm completely diappointed in them as a human being without being able to cite what they've done wrong? i mean, they already know how i feel about their lack of moral standing when it comes to relationships. but i've always just accepted it and tried to be a good friend nonetheless. i can't accept it anymore, because i feel like i'm being an enabler by doing that.
is it just a true thing of humans that once you get to know them well enough, they'll show you their true colors and they'll disappoint you? does humanity lack the self-awareness to change for the better? are we all just consumed by our own egotistical wants that it doesn't matter how we affect others...that everyone is just used as a means to get to our selfish end in one way or another? certainly not all humans...but most, it seems.
i'm not saying i'm perfect and haven't made mistakes...but i'm pretty sure i've learned and taken something from them. why am i witnessing people making the same mistakes over and over, unable to recognize or change the pattern, unable to exercise some self-discipline? and then they lie about it, or try to justify it in some way...
it's exhauting.
i think i want to move. just out of this building. i no longer care that it's close to these people. i still care for them, yes, but i don't know that's it's best to have them so close to me.

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(no subject)

Mar. 30th, 2012 | 02:13 am

ooooh look. at. this.

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(no subject)

Dec. 10th, 2008 | 11:12 pm

these things don't heal...they lie dormant. settle down. stir themselves back up.
have you ever felt like your heart was literally fighting to burst out of your chest, like it absolutely HAD TO abandon ship?
but it doesn't, it just shuts down. as the people you need the most let you down, your heart shuts down.
some things are just too awful to feel, and you have to switch off.
eventually, it's not even a conscious happening. the switch operates on it's own. you've become conditioned. automatic. and you no longer feel the things that could leave you so vulnerable as to destroy you. you're already destroyed.
it's a sacrifice.
but some things are just more than you can take.
we become damaged.

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(no subject)

Jun. 30th, 2008 | 03:57 pm

ok. what is it with dogs. i may have mentioned before that dog food commercials make me break down and cry for no apparent reason.
today, i put in a movie for violet and i just before nap time. 101 dalmations. after i noticed she was asleep, i was watching it, and all of a sudden, i started sobbing.
what is this.
these past two weeks have been particularly bad for me. at first i though oh DUH. it's pms.
but i've been over my period for 2 days now.
if this is normal, and what everyone goes through, i can accept that but i really don't like it, and i want my uterus removed.
if it's not, i'm not sure what to do. but i think i'm willing to be medicated. i'm sick of it.

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froggy hands

Apr. 21st, 2008 | 04:40 pm

i just told violet she had to pick up the crayons that she carelessly threw around the living room floor.
"i don't want to"

"well, you have to."

"i want you to do it."

"no, you made the mess, so you have to clean up after yourself. pick them up or we're not going to the playground."

"but i can't"

"why not?"

"because i have froggy hands."

"huh?"

"i don't have violet hands anymore. i have froggy hands. i can't pick them up."

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dreams of val and nick cave

Apr. 15th, 2008 | 08:43 am
mood: amusedamused

this dream occured around 130am last night, and i just had to record it.

i just now had a dream
where i was floating in for a landing
by some divine something
largely involving nick cave.

i land gently and there's an interview scheduled and a party.

everyone is there.

all my friends and friends of friends
& some with bitter blood
(like dave & girls that hate me)
but no one seems to mind too much
they're all here for this nick cave with air bit.

and we're all getting drunk

so she asks me, the reporter
some stuff about my trip
she keeps talking about god

until i tell her off
& she's hushed up
by my indifference to the miracle i just experienced
then she says "ok.

we need more head room"

and supernaturally starts playing
well, that's what i hear in the dream
but it must've really been something to do with
fish? cowboys?
something and the dance coordinated
with what the song was about
everyone is having fun
even the jesus reporter whom i offened
in fact, she started the dancing

then enters my sister
w/ her hair up
and her make up
and her black formal top tucked
into some grey sweats, pulled up
& i pause, point, and exclaim
"YES" in approval
then drop to the floor
spinning around in hysteric laughter
and she just keeps on doing that latin hip thing she does
sporting a toothy smile

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(no subject)

Feb. 18th, 2008 | 10:40 pm

here's my plan:
i want to disappear for a while...go on a little vacation. i think it would be ideal to wait until the weather is warmer, so that i can go out into the woods and tie myself to a tree for three days. i want to be alone. and force myself to think. and to feel. and to learn to appreciate the things i have. i'm convinced that tying myself to a tree is the way to go.

plan b is visiting another country by myself, but that's gonna cost money. and i'd have to take off more days at work because visiting another country is gonna take longer than three days in order for it to be worth it. plus, i'd probably find too many things to do to distract myself from my goal.

i gotta do something.
i feel like i'm depressed...but i won't admit because i fear that if i do it will consume me, like it has my mother. i prefer to not take it seriously and trudge through. but i'm not getting anywhere.
it's really hard.
and i've started crying at dog food commercials.

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(no subject)

Feb. 2nd, 2008 | 09:21 am

here we go then.
this is that sacred time where there are no distractions and the opportunity to just "be" is screaming. i'm thinking and feeling in songs instead of thoughts and emotions. wtf? i used to be so good at this "me" time. at times i still am...
i have a very strong urge to be sarcastic with myself. considering how frequently i come across said urges, it's becoming fairly clear that i'm not taking myself, my thoughts, my emotions seriously.
she tells me to write. she tells me to write but i hesitate because this is what i do. fuck! this is way too dramatic, petty even, for me to take seriously. i just want to appreciate all the good things that i have and let everything else roll off my shoulders. i'd like to say that i exist pretty effictively considering all the shit i've dealt with. BAH! what shit? c'mon now.
see?
this is what i do.
and i feel it produces negativity. of course i love pretending that it's passion. but seriously. i'm quite lacking in that department.
ick.
i don't like this.

i need a long vacation.

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(no subject)

Jan. 20th, 2008 | 08:41 am

i had a dream last night that someone was making fun of and throwing my self help books at me. not like, hitting me with them, they were just flying around everywhere.
i haven't had and/or remmebered a dream in a while, and if so they're few and far between. i'm assuming it's a good sign.

hey katie, i'm getting shaun tan art tattooed on me. i'm inspired deeply by it.

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(no subject)

Jan. 18th, 2008 | 07:32 pm

i'm gonna write something soon, i feel it. (something that i like, sit down and mean tow rite...y'know, actually think out and edit and stuff like that.)
i had therapy recently - went well. a couple tears, which i like, because i don't usually get those, or at least ont easily at all. that beth. she always makes me feel better about myself. if only i could afford once a week.
i made her laugh - like a real laugh, because as we were scheduling our next appointments, she suggested feb 14th. i said eh....can it be after that?
"that's too close, huh?"
"that's the day"
"oooh...that's awful. valentine's day?"
"eh. stupid halmark holiday, anyway."
"yeah...it is" (laughter) looks at me, like she's trying to see something that's not on the surface. (more laughter)
i like her.
she likes me.
that's good.

anyone who has not, please listen to andrew bird. he's stealing my heart a little bit.

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