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(no subject)

Jan. 14th, 2008 | 09:07 am

ok, i'm gonna write this down cuz it almost slipped my memory.
last night, i heard a noise as i was lying in bed. i swear i saw a creature in my room. i was totally frozen in fear. i wanted to make a sound ("hey" was what i wanted to say - of all things...wtf?) but i couldn't even open my mouth i was so terrified.
it walked into my room and stopped right next to my bed, then vanished.
of course i'm skeptical about stuff like that. so it was nothing - my imagination. which makes me happy that i could conjure up something so intense. mabe violet gets some of her vivid imagination from me too.
but anyway, then it just vanished.
it looked like a small hairless dog, only with really tall, pointy ears sticking straight up and a long narrow mouth with little pointy teeth. hmm.

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(no subject)

Jan. 7th, 2008 | 08:06 pm

well today was a much better day than yesterday. i think it had something to do with plants.
i had coffee in the morning, as per usual, and once the caffiene kicks in i can start moving around and doing stuff and stay relatively focused on what it is i'm doing. so i started caring for my plants, some of which haven't been getting the attention they need i.e. repotting, picking off dead stuff, etc. etc. so i repotted a few of them - all that i had the right size pots for. violet helped. then i realized i really need more plants. i always need more plants. i'll move them around to spread them throughout my house, but that looks to sparse, so then i'll move them all to one or two rooms because more is better, then i'll realize that i need A LOT more because now there's a room with NO plants and that just doesn't fly...
i know i've done this a dozen times before, and i will go out and buy more plants...but somehow, there never are enough.
which is perfectly fine. i don't think you could have too many plants. it's just a little puzzling.
now that i've totally spun off of my initial thought process...
doing this plant thing that i did today was theraputic for me. and i did feel creative doing it. and it was actually something i could do with violet (she helped me spoon dirt into the pots, helped me clean up all the dirt she spooned onto the floor, and we bought her her own plant that she can take care of herself. well, under my supervision.)
then i cleaned my car, for the most part. violet helped with that too, though we had to throw all of her clothes in the dryer afterwards and i'm pretty sure the coat i just bought her is ruined. that's ok. she looked adorable drowning in one of my mom's long sleeve shirts until hers were dry.
i looking at what i wrote jsut now, and how much time it took up, and it's pissing me off because it REALLY needs to be edited. i'm gonna start taking sentence structure and paragraphs into consideration when i write anything from now on. maybe then i'll feel like something's been accomplished, or i'll get some sort of satisfaction from it.

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(no subject)

Jan. 6th, 2008 | 05:55 pm

i've been feeling really shitty.
i'm cycling through, because this has happened before.
it's that feeling that i can't express myself the way i intend to. i can't get across what i want to get across - to other people or even to myself.
i don't watch tv. i like some of it, sure, but in general i think it's a waste for your brain. what i do, rather than vegging out in front of a television, i veg out to nothing. i think. i sit in silence and do nothing but think. but lately, i've caught myself when i'm in this state not thinking thoughts, but thinking songs. i replay songs in my head, and i think i'm using that to mask my thoughts because i don't want to be thinking them. i think i'm hiding from myself.
i feel like i'm ebcoming co-dependent. i dont like being by myself. i know i should take my "me" time to do something artistic, so that i have a creative outlet. but i don't. it's not something as simple as procrastination. it's very compicated, and it's a part of who i am that i can't stand.
i've been realizing that there's nothing i do that i don't second guess myself on afterwards. i'm constantly questioning my self worth. anything i do accomplish i don't feel proud of or gain satisfaction from.
this is something i should discuss with my therapist, but i always direct our sessions to things that are on the surface. i bullshit my way through it. here's my opportunity to "help myself" and i'm blowing it.
i feel nervous, and i don't know what to do about it.
if i can find anything positive in this way that i'm feeling, i'd like to say that maybe this is a result of therapy...it's knacking very slowly at some deeper issues, and maybe that stuff is resurfacing a little bit, and i just don't know how to deal with it.
she tells me to write.
well, i'm writing. but i'm not getting any satisfaction from it. other than the fact that it's taking up X amount of time that i'm sitting here alone in my apartment with the lack of motivation to do anything else.
but that's not actually satisfying. it's actually quite depressing.
this probably makes no sense. my mom called so i'm gonna whine to her.

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(no subject)

Dec. 19th, 2007 | 10:57 pm

i am having a music ripping/burning fiesta.
then i'm gonna wrap gifts like it's nobodies bees-ness.
finally i'll take a siesta.

during our meeting at work today, we got gifts.
we were told that they picked them out keeping our personalities in mind.
i got sushi making stuff and wine.
i am grateful.

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(no subject)

Nov. 29th, 2007 | 01:30 pm

this is very relevant to the subject of my last post.
because today i feel incredible.

my therapist told me to write.
when i sit down with pen and paper, i just end up scribbling nonsensicle poems. so i'm just gonna keep posting in here to keep track of how i feel on a maybe-not-so day-to-day basis.
i hope i hyphenated that correctly.

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up and down

Nov. 28th, 2007 | 10:30 pm

now i feel like crap.
i was just feeling so elated, and now it's crashing down.
i wanna write about my face and 3ft depths and landscapes, but it just won't come out of me.
i want to vomit up my emotions.
i want to not be so dramatic.
i want to not be so self-conscious.
i wanna grow some wings and take a trip.

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just found this

Nov. 27th, 2007 | 12:19 am

it was for violet

maybe this is not so simple anymore
we both need some normalacy
i'm gonna try to keep that for you
i want to find a place
where i can be on your level
so i might show you
what i'm going through
as hard as things may be
as rough as this might get
i promise
i'll save my smiles for you
i'll always have a smile for you

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(no subject)

Nov. 25th, 2007 | 03:16 am

OOOOOOOOOOOH my goodness.


this is for my own reference, as most of my posts have been as of late.

we are raised up very high.

oh i hope i hope i hope.
i certainly do.

i haven't hoped this much in..


quite a while.

long enough for me to feel comfortable using the exclaimation: "wowza"


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(no subject)

Nov. 24th, 2007 | 10:05 pm

"And how we love the seasons that hide in our stomachs
That howl and howl and howl as if dropped from the great height..."

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(no subject)

Nov. 24th, 2007 | 09:57 pm

holy hell.
i'm feeling well.

or something?

things turn in me
colour me pretty

yet i'm oh so self-concious.

i feel something.

that makes me smile as big as a whale.

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