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Feb. 17th, 2013 | 02:52 pm

i need to vent this somewhere.
i am severely disappionted in some of my closest friends over the last year or so. don't get me wrong or misunderstand, i do still have a few close friends that are good people who can be trusted and counted on, and share morals and what not. and it's not like i'm completely innocent, but what the hell is wrong with humanity? i spent the last year regressing and being a bit irresponsible and i was manic and i loved it. i've calmed down from that and i'm looking for balance, but a lot of my elation from that time had to do with some friends that pulled me through a very trying time in my life - they taught me to have faith in humanity again. and now these same people have destroyed it for me. they lie, they cheat, the hurt each other. it's like this weird circle of drama. coming from people i respect(ed). i'm not even gonna explain what happened, it's too long of a story and this is really just for me to figure out what i want to do about the people i hold close.
i've always been the "i'd rather be here for you to have someone you feel you can talk to rather than judge you and make you afraid to approach me when something's wrong." i've concluded that by being this way, i am actually doing these friends a disservice by not telling them the truth. being too easy on them. it's backfired. yes, they come to me, but they don't learn anything, my thought that being able to speak to someone outside of the situation who could give gentle honest, but non-judgemental input would help them work it out in their heads. not so.
i have to confront someone. this is someone who i love deeply, but i disagree with their morality because they are selfish and in a relaionship where they are always looking elsewhere anyway, and they flip flop back and forth between being so in love and happy in their relationship and then being wildly attracted to and fantasizing about others and completely miserable. this person acted on their selfish lustful impulses recently, and it's clear that all they can think about, still, is themselves. where am i gonna live, i'm gonna miss that lifestyle, i'm gonna miss having those mutual friends, blah blah blah. i tried to be a good friend and listen despite this person was in the wrong, but later i spoke with the other half and found out about another incident that happened recently. involving another friend. it enrages me. i'm not supposed to speak of it. but it's how i want to confront this person.
my problem is, i want to respect the person who's been wronged by not mentioning this incident that he wants kept in confidence. but it is a major reason why i am questioning remaining friends with this person. ahg.
how do i tell someone i'm completely diappointed in them as a human being without being able to cite what they've done wrong? i mean, they already know how i feel about their lack of moral standing when it comes to relationships. but i've always just accepted it and tried to be a good friend nonetheless. i can't accept it anymore, because i feel like i'm being an enabler by doing that.
is it just a true thing of humans that once you get to know them well enough, they'll show you their true colors and they'll disappoint you? does humanity lack the self-awareness to change for the better? are we all just consumed by our own egotistical wants that it doesn't matter how we affect others...that everyone is just used as a means to get to our selfish end in one way or another? certainly not all humans...but most, it seems.
i'm not saying i'm perfect and haven't made mistakes...but i'm pretty sure i've learned and taken something from them. why am i witnessing people making the same mistakes over and over, unable to recognize or change the pattern, unable to exercise some self-discipline? and then they lie about it, or try to justify it in some way...
it's exhauting.
i think i want to move. just out of this building. i no longer care that it's close to these people. i still care for them, yes, but i don't know that's it's best to have them so close to me.

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